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free range motherf*cker.

eggs.

any yolks?

  • if you don’t love eggs, there will always be something missing from your life.

  • protein, amino acids, healthy fats, cheap as fuck and delicious when cooked right.

  • you may have gotten sick of your ma’s hard boiled egg in a cup, or even had a crack at poaching your own eggs to fill that hole of a sunday hangover in your favourite hipster café, paying mortage prices for half an avocado, but why?

  • don’t waste your hard earned money on that, when you could cook your own eggs, literally any way you like, in the comfort of your home and save that cash money for a fat bottle of châteauneuf du pape (or can of harp) and wake up fragile the next day, and indulge in some serenity which is a dripping fried egg yolk.

  • there is an insane number of ways to cook eggs, but here are some basics that we cook regularly.

fried

blasted on a high heat until crisp underneath, make sure that damn yolk is runny.

scrambled

butter/olive oil. low & slow. rubber spatula, keep it movin’.

boiled

david chang. boil water. 5 minutes, 10 seconds, ice, done.

poached

a splash of vinegar in the water. gentle simmer (not boiling). roughly 3 minutes, remove carefully.

  • people can be quite selective about how they like their eggs, and that is totally fine ,because when you are at home, you can cook whatever the fuck you want.

  • you might have heard this before, but if not then listen up. you should always crack your eggs on a flat surface, nobody likes to deal with bits of rogue shell.

  • always use freshly cracked black pepper on your eggs, we don’t play with that pre-ground dust here.

  • there is many debates about when to add salt to your eggs, and that is for another day, just make sure you add enough salt that they taste good.

  • endless combinations and techniques are out there, just play on your own and eat well, for now, here is some over-easy breakfast listening:
  • ‘use me’ – bill withers
  • ‘coffee cold’ – galt mcdermot
  • ‘waterfalls’ – TLC

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chapter two: broth

broth.

mirepoix, bouquet garni and other french culinary terms to make you sound intellectual in front of your mates.

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vegetable broth.

every broth starts with a mix of 2 parts onion, one part carrot & one part celery, otherwise known as a mirepoix. one large onion or two smaller onions, skin on, cut into quarters. peel the carrot and quarter. give your celery a good wash and roughly chop once or twice. this, along with a bouquet garni will form the base of flavour for your broth. classically, a bouquet garni is thyme and parsley stalks, wrapped and tied in a bay leaf. generally, i just fuck them into the pot (parsley with leaves intact) with 13 black peppercorns, a few juniper berries half a bulb of garlic and whatever other hardy, woody herbs I have around (think rosemary and sage over coriander or dill, lighter green herbs will disappear if added early on in the process, they are much better picked fresh and added at the end).

there are really no rules after that. just don’t go too far. keep it simple. i like to add leek, and fennel if i have some. pink peppercorns can give a nice kick, or star anise and szechuan for a more eastern flavour profile. avoid using ground spices as they give a grainy finish.

place all of your ingredients into a pot and add just enough cold water to cover the vegetables. make sure to take note of the amount of water you use as this will be important later on. put a lid on the pot and bring the water to a simmer (a few bubbles here and there), do not boil. roll a spliff and listen to black sabbath, relax for 20 minutes.

crack open some white wine, take a swig, then work out 10% of the amount of cold water it took to cover the vegetables and add that amount of wine. so, for example, 2l of water = 200ml of wine. you can use red if you want, but white will help keep that golden translucence you have been striving to achieve throughout this culinary voyage (i took more than a swig). cover and simmer for another 15 minutes. strain the liquid into your designated storage vessel. at this stage, i like to to eat the leftover vegetables straight out of the pot with a sprinkle of sea salt while standing over my kitchen sink with a can of cheap lager.

season your stock to taste with sea salt and freshly cracked black pepper. use it in sauces, soups or to deepen the flavour of other stocks. or simply eat it with a slice of fresh sourdough, generously lathered in butter, listening to prince in your underwear.