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rent week rice

that time of the month

  • having a mexican fiesta in your garden, baking fancy breads and sippin’ on fat bottles of châteauneuf du pape are all fundamentals you should have in your life. but when the landlord comes knockin’ and those tight few days are creeping by, there is always something tasty as fuck to be made.

  • leftovers are one of the seven wonders of the world. they can turn a quick meal into something with depth and is just all round enjoyable to eat.

  • nobody is a stranger to seeing a sad half-onion in the fridge, leftover from that curry you attempted on wednesday night, or a dried up slice of lemon that you didnt need that much juice from, these things linger there, you morally feel bad throwing them out, telling yourself you are going to use it up before it goes bad, only to inevitably forget once again, and find it a week later and its grown something on top that you wish you could unsee.

  • take all those slices and end-of-packet bits out of the fridge, put all those thoughts of potato dauphinoise or ordering a take-away in the bin instead. grab some rice and lets fuckin’ eat.
  • its always a good idea to have rice at home. whenever you cook some, its useful to cook a little extra to keep in the fridge and whip out for a quick and easy meal addition. you have probably cooked extra anyway unintentionally, this is even better.

  • if you haven’t got some leftover rice: either cook some, get a cheap packet of that weird rice that is ready to eat or microwave, or grab a small portion from somewhere close to your house.

  • we happened to have some (a lot) of wild rice leftover, so this is what we are using.

  • keeping your pantry stocked is key for making cooking at home enjoyable as fuck. we will drop a pantry guide soon, with some things we recommend you have stored and ready. you might not have some of the condiments we have, but its always a good idea to try and keep a range of : spices, seeds, nuts, vinegars, oil, honey, sauces…the list goes on.

  • for vegetables, we have used what we have laying around here, and we are hoping you have even a few similar ingredients, however it does not truly matter because on rent week, you have to use what you have. so do that.

hot, dry.

  • always toast your nuts & seeds.

  • when toasting nuts & seeds in hot, dry pan, they release the essential oils inside, increasing the flavour and the aroma and takes everything up a level.

  • you can do this in the oven, but we like to use a skillet here, or just a regular pan if you don’t own a skillet (yet). it also involves less cleaning and keeps the fragrance of what you have toasted in the pan when you add in other ingredients.

  • we used peanuts, sesame seeds and black mustard seeds. add the peanuts to the hot pan, and toast, shaking the pan regularly, until starting to blister slightly. smash them a little with something hard, then add sesame & mustard seeds, tossing until popping and golden. it will smell like nutty, buttery popcorn, you will see.

  • while this is toasting. add some lime juice & salt to your rice. mix well.

  • add your toasted nut & seed mix to the rice. mix.

  • we had half an onion, a green chilli and two garlic cloves. simply slice your veg, and throw into the same pan with a little oil.

  • while this is cooking down in the pan, it is a good time to make some sauce or dressing, something that will bring everything together and turn this from a broke meal into a bangin’ dish that you could whip out anytime.

  • you should own a pestle & mortar. it lets you control the consistency more so than a blender, textures can play just as important a role as flavour.

  • we added a few leftover peanuts, and scraped the ends of an almond butter jar on top because why not.

  • next we added some soy sauce, sesame oil, rice vinegar, honey, sriracha blackout & lime zest.

  • mix together until you have your desired consistency, and taste along the way adjusting the balance. warning: sriracha blackout is hot.

  • when your onions & garlic are starting to caramelise just a little in the pan, its time to get on it.

  • add your rice to the pan and mix. we had some scallions laying around, which is always useful. throw in if you have them.

  • now take that unreal sauce you smashed together, and pour it on top of everything.

  • and thats literally it. fuckin easy.

  • the soy sauce & peanuts add a good amount of saltiness, but adjust the seasoning of the dish to your taste.

  • throw on a few slices on lime, we also recommend eating straight out of the pan, because you don’t need more dirty dishes on top of an empty bank account this week. or put it on a plate, whatever you want.

  • you can add literally whatever you want to this. we recommend topping with a fried egg, which can step in as any meal of your day.

  • also, if you are some sort of reasonable person who saves for rent-week and isn’t left skint in despair that one period of the month, then well done, but enjoy your fancy marks & spencers ready meal and leave the dirty rice for us broke motherfuckers.

  • making this when not broke is also perfectly acceptable, it gives you that extra bit of financial freedom to grab a 6-pack of beer to help this dish go down a treat. which you most definitely, should do.

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kimchi-ish

김치

cucumber ‘kimchi‘

  • kimchi is fucking amazing.

  • if you don’t know what kimchi is, it is a condiment made from salted, seasoned and fermented vegetables that originated from korea. it has crept its way into our western world as a healthy, probiotic and trendy food, which it is (the first two). kimchi has been made in many forms in korea since ancient times and is a staple in the home culture, with styles and flavour profiles ranging in extremes.
  • kimchi is a killer source of useful lactic acid bacteria and has high anti-oxidation properties. it is just a huge bonus that it tastes delicious as fuck.

  • a ‘tradtional’ kimchi flavour we all know from our favourite hipster cafes is: napa cabbage, gochugaru (korean chilli flake), garlic, ginger and usually types of jeotgal (salted seafood) which gives a greater depth of flavour and aids the fermentation process.
  • kimchi is made by a slow fermentation that takes a lot of time to develop the right level of flavour and good bacteria production.

but here’s a fucking trick

  • we are going to make a quick, 24 hour kimchi using cucumbers that has a low level of fermentation, but is seriously delicious.

  • cucumber kimchi is a real thing, it is called ‘oi kimchi‘ in korea and is popular in the summertime. and guess what? its sunny as fuck outside, so time to up your barbecue game with this side dish that is guaranteed to please your tastebuds and and all your isolated instagram followers. lets get to it.

buy cucumbers, wash them

  • we are using a 1 litre jar here, but feel free to make as small or large a portion as you like.
  • wash your cucumbers (not a euphemism, but do that too) because you don’t want any unwanted bacteria (also fits the euphemism).

  • slice them any way you like, but keep it smallish, this is a quick recipe.

  • place in a bowl, sprinkle 1 tablespoon of sea salt on top, and massage gently into the cucumbers until the salt dissolves and they become wet. set aside for 30 minutes

  • bonus round: grab a handful of the salted cucumbers into a small dish, sprinkle chilli flakes, a little honey and lime juice on top, eat them.

  • after 30 minutes, pour away any excess liquid from the bottom of the bowl.
  • we like the addition of carrot to this mix. it creates a nice earthy sweetness to balance all the other deep flavours we will mix. cut it small, into a ‘julienne’ (fancy chef word for wee sticks). add to the bowl with cucumbers.

  • take a couple of scallions, slice them in half lengthways and cut into 1-2 inch pieces. add to bowl.

  • we are adding garlic & ginger to a mix soon in this recipe alongside dried chilli flakes, which we dress the vegetables with. but we like a bit of texture over here so throw a bit of each in, if you are so inclined. the world is your lobster.

  • now we develop the flavour. we are using fish sauce in place of dried seafood here, but if you really are not down with that sort of flavour, then you probably should go get a fucking big mac or something because this clearly is not for you. however, you can substitute soy sauce in place of fish sauce to use as a gate-way drug for now.

  • 2 tablespoons dried chilli flakes (preferably gochugaru, korean chilli flakes)
  • 1 tablespoon garlic, minced
  • 1 tablespoon honey (or sugar)
  • 1 tsp fish sauce (korean, or soy sauce)
  • 1 teaspoon ginger, minced
  • (optional bonus) 1 tablespoon red apple or asian pear, grated.

  • smash / blend / mix all together.

  • pour this mix into the bowl, we used an extra addition of fish sauce because we like our shit strong. yours will be thicker, more of a paste.

  • for all the panic-buyers out there who hoarded stacks of disposable gloves, throw a pair on. for all the normal people, just mix it up gently with clean hands (or a spatula or something) until the paste covers everything evenly.

  • pack it tightly into a clean, sterilised jar. and that is it.

  • simply store it at room temperature for 12-18 hours, then throw it in the fridge.

  • you can go straight at it after 24 hours, however we think its best after around 2 days in the fridge.

  • this is a simple way to ease yourself into fermentation at home, we will drop more knowledge on longer, ‘real‘ ferments soon, so keep them eyes peeled. this is only the beginning.

  • for now, crack this jar open on a sunny day and enjoy your damn life.

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get baked.

the virgin

“if you want some bread bitch you best be in a magazine” – PIMP C

  • you are probably impatient as hell at this point to actually have some bread in front of you. all this ‘feeding’ and mild annoyance of having to deal with this watery, yeasty shit in a jar is probably getting a little dull. fear not, time to get on it.
  • if you think your starter may not be alive or ‘active’ enough, shoot us a DM on instagram (@mischief.48) , but if you have followed the timeline and she is looking fine this evening, its about time you had something to eat.

  • this first recipe, is extremely simple. an easy introduction that requires minimal effort, but produces a bread bangin’ enough to please your tastebuds, and if you are so inclined, a few instagram likes.

the easy loaf

  • 100g sourdough ‘starter’
  • 500g strong bread flour
  • 300g water, lukewarm.
  • 1 bump sea salt (1 tsp) * see below

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  • mix the flour, water, sourdough starter and salt together in a mixing bowl, you can start with a wooden spoon or spatula, but when it begins to come together and become more homogeneous (all the same texture) is when the fun begins.

  • lightly flour your work surface/ counter-top/ chopping board. tip your dough from the bowl, and start kneading the dough. we will not bother exploring the basic principles of what ‘kneading’ is, we have shit to do, but a quick google if you are in the dark will get you there. you want to knead the dough until some tension forms on the outside of the dough, becoming smoother, and it starts holding its shape in ‘ball’ form.
  • lightly oil a clean mixing bowl, and place dough inside. cover with cling film or a damp tea towel, and leave somewhere warm or at room temperature, such as a high shelf in the kitchen or inside your grow tent.

  • rest for around 1-2 hours, or until roughly doubled in size.

  • when doubled, tip onto a clean work surface and knock back (removing air) from the dough, a punch or two will do. at this point you can cut this dough down the middle and make two smaller loaves, or go for the big daddy.
  • place a clean tea towel in the mixing bowl you used to rest the dough, line it heavily with flour. (or use a banneton, your next level up).
  • shape your dough back into a ball (or stitch and fold, which we will explore soon), and place upside down into the floured cloth in the bowl/banneton. cover with film and leave back in warm place for 2-3 hours or in the fridge overnight. this is called ‘proofing’ the dough, letting it rest and settle, which will be explored in further detail in the advanced recipe (coming soon) or… just look it up.
  • pre-heat your oven to 230 degrees, or 210 fan oven, if you want the fahrenheit temperature, fuck off.

  • tip your dough onto a baking tray, lined with baking paper. make a slash on top of the bread if you want that gangster ‘open ear’ sourdough, or don’t if you want it to burst in natural ways, you do you.

  • you want steam. place a small tray of boiling water in the bottom of your oven, failing that chuck in some ice cubes or pour some of your cold beer onto the bottom of the oven (not recommended).

  • bake for 30-40 minutes, until a desired crust has formed and sounds hollow when tapped on the bottom.

  • remove from oven and place on a wire rack. you most definitely should let it cool before you slice it, but there is absolutely no chance you are going to do that so why bother trying to baby you, get a whack of butter at the ready, make it rain with some sea salt and live your damn life.

“all sorrows are less with bread” – miguel de cervantes saavedra.

  • an advanced recipe is dropping soon for those keen to step up their game and hit that ‘open crumb’ bread that they can show off, for now, enjoy your first home baked sourdough and heres a poem by DMX:

go hard, getting busy wit it,

but I got such a good heart,

that i’ll make the motherfucker wonder if he did it.

damn right, and i’ll do it again,

’cause I am right so I gots to win

break bread with the enemy,

but no matter how many cats I break bread with, i’ll break who you sendin’ me.

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free range motherf*cker.

eggs.

any yolks?

  • if you don’t love eggs, there will always be something missing from your life.

  • protein, amino acids, healthy fats, cheap as fuck and delicious when cooked right.

  • you may have gotten sick of your ma’s hard boiled egg in a cup, or even had a crack at poaching your own eggs to fill that hole of a sunday hangover in your favourite hipster café, paying mortage prices for half an avocado, but why?

  • don’t waste your hard earned money on that, when you could cook your own eggs, literally any way you like, in the comfort of your home and save that cash money for a fat bottle of châteauneuf du pape (or can of harp) and wake up fragile the next day, and indulge in some serenity which is a dripping fried egg yolk.

  • there is an insane number of ways to cook eggs, but here are some basics that we cook regularly.

fried

blasted on a high heat until crisp underneath, make sure that damn yolk is runny.

scrambled

butter/olive oil. low & slow. rubber spatula, keep it movin’.

boiled

david chang. boil water. 5 minutes, 10 seconds, ice, done.

poached

a splash of vinegar in the water. gentle simmer (not boiling). roughly 3 minutes, remove carefully.

  • people can be quite selective about how they like their eggs, and that is totally fine ,because when you are at home, you can cook whatever the fuck you want.

  • you might have heard this before, but if not then listen up. you should always crack your eggs on a flat surface, nobody likes to deal with bits of rogue shell.

  • always use freshly cracked black pepper on your eggs, we don’t play with that pre-ground dust here.

  • there is many debates about when to add salt to your eggs, and that is for another day, just make sure you add enough salt that they taste good.

  • endless combinations and techniques are out there, just play on your own and eat well, for now, here is some over-easy breakfast listening:
  • ‘use me’ – bill withers
  • ‘coffee cold’ – galt mcdermot
  • ‘waterfalls’ – TLC

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chapter two: broth

broth.

mirepoix, bouquet garni and other french culinary terms to make you sound intellectual in front of your mates.

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vegetable broth.

every broth starts with a mix of 2 parts onion, one part carrot & one part celery, otherwise known as a mirepoix. one large onion or two smaller onions, skin on, cut into quarters. peel the carrot and quarter. give your celery a good wash and roughly chop once or twice. this, along with a bouquet garni will form the base of flavour for your broth. classically, a bouquet garni is thyme and parsley stalks, wrapped and tied in a bay leaf. generally, i just fuck them into the pot (parsley with leaves intact) with 13 black peppercorns, a few juniper berries half a bulb of garlic and whatever other hardy, woody herbs I have around (think rosemary and sage over coriander or dill, lighter green herbs will disappear if added early on in the process, they are much better picked fresh and added at the end).

there are really no rules after that. just don’t go too far. keep it simple. i like to add leek, and fennel if i have some. pink peppercorns can give a nice kick, or star anise and szechuan for a more eastern flavour profile. avoid using ground spices as they give a grainy finish.

place all of your ingredients into a pot and add just enough cold water to cover the vegetables. make sure to take note of the amount of water you use as this will be important later on. put a lid on the pot and bring the water to a simmer (a few bubbles here and there), do not boil. roll a spliff and listen to black sabbath, relax for 20 minutes.

crack open some white wine, take a swig, then work out 10% of the amount of cold water it took to cover the vegetables and add that amount of wine. so, for example, 2l of water = 200ml of wine. you can use red if you want, but white will help keep that golden translucence you have been striving to achieve throughout this culinary voyage (i took more than a swig). cover and simmer for another 15 minutes. strain the liquid into your designated storage vessel. at this stage, i like to to eat the leftover vegetables straight out of the pot with a sprinkle of sea salt while standing over my kitchen sink with a can of cheap lager.

season your stock to taste with sea salt and freshly cracked black pepper. use it in sauces, soups or to deepen the flavour of other stocks. or simply eat it with a slice of fresh sourdough, generously lathered in butter, listening to prince in your underwear.